What no one tells you about the Quarter Century

The month of May happens to be my Birth month. I take my birth month more serious than Christmas, thanksgiving, and the 4th of July combined. My birthday is my favorite time of the year and I make it a point to celebrate all month long.

This year, however, I am moved to reflect on the way I have spent the first quarter century of my life. The longest I am projected to live is 100 with God's grace. That means I have lived through my first quarter of life. This is simply terrifying to think about. But, I am also relieved to a certain extent because I can use the past 25 years of experience to better plan for the next 75 years, God willing.

We young ladies do not like to talk about our age. Apparently, no one is supposed to ask a woman her age. Weird enough, I do not mind talking about my age. My dad often says, "With age comes wisdom." I have lived by this statement for most of my life. Every year brings me more knowledge and I look at this as God's gift to me rather than a curse.

This time around, I thought to focus on the 25 things I know now that I wish my younger self knew then. Not because I regret the choices I made, but because I could have made wiser and different choices. These choices could have shaped my life differently. So here we go.

1. Strive to live as authentically as you can.

Living in my truth has cost me so many relationships in the past. But it has also in exchange earned me the most real and sincere relationships. The more real and open you are with people that matter to you, the more likely they are to be real and open with you.

Funny but true, I hate cooking. It is a burden. I do not like to have to prep to cook. The washing dishes after is exhausting. I prefer to eat out or order take out. Simple stuff. In response, I get the usual, "Who will marry you if you do not cook" comments, all the time. Africans and glorifying marriage like it is an achievement. (We will save that topic for a different blog). When I was younger, I used to get offended. Now, I couldn't care less. If someone wants to marry me for my cooking abilities, then he can marry a chef. Cause I'm clearly not the person he is looking for.

I appreciate personal space. But I come from an African household and family. The concept of personal space is too complex or rather inconceivable for them to understand. So, when I chose to not attend family gatherings or stay away from crowds. A lot of people think I am a proud young lady. But in actuality, I do not like to be touched unnecessarily. Especially by someone, I do not know all too well. Crowds give me severe anxiety. That is why I find it very difficult to attend concerts, sporting events, etc. Instead of being sad that I come off as proud, I choose to participate in activities that give me peace of mind. Hiking is one of my favorite things to do. Going to the beach when it is not crowded. Another one of my favorites. Traveling. I have had so many solo vacations, I am kinda in love with it at this point.

So live your life. Judgment is inevitable but authentic living is not.

2. Speak your truth.

As a girl of African descent, I have been faced with many situations where I needed my voice to be heard but I kept quiet. That has cost the many other young African girls coming after me. So speak up. Get a seat at that table. If you cant, make your own table. It is important to speak your mind especially when it matters. This doesn't mean you need to be disrespectful or disregard another person's opinion. It just means that with your voice included in that conversation, there is a wider range of perspectives.

The number of times I have chosen to speak up and the room went quiet, are too many. But they have been the most rewarding because my opinion was made known. And if there is one thing people know about me, I do not convince people to go with what I want by arguing with them till they move to my side. I just use their language to convince them that what they are saying is what I am saying till we have the same language and my vision is included.

3. Listen to your body.

This goes both physically and emotionally. I have a blessing and a curse called my skin. I have had horrible acne from when I was so little. For a very long time, all doctors and dermatologists told me I had a constant hormonal imbalance. And I believed them. Till I met my therapist in college and she broke it down for me. My acne is aggravated by stress induction. When I am severely stressed, my face breaks out. I thought it was a joke. But now I have clear skin because I took the steps to alleviate stress from my life.

Don't let stress rob you of happiness. Stress is the cause of so many disorders. Speaking from experience, I am anxious constantly. I need routine and control to get through my day. I can't survive with letting things just play out. However, the older I have become, and with my amazing therapist, I have started to ease up on the things I cannot control. I am in the acceptance stage. I Still have a routine and I still plan everything. The difference now is, should anything not go according to plan, I am happy to let it go.

4. God is the beginning, the end and the in-between.

My relationship with GOD was highly based on my religion. Attending church. Receiving holy communion on Sunday. But as my mother says, "Your relationship with the supreme being is between you and him." I still identify as Catholic and I love my religion. However, I have learned to make decisions about how I live my life based on what I have come to believe versus what society has pushed me to believe. It is OK to disagree with your region just like you can disagree with your culture. It doesn't make you less than or more than.

Without GOD, I know for sure I would not be where I am today. He has a plan for my life and I live in gratitude for all he has graced me with so far.

5. Hurt people hurt people.

If you haven't dealt with certain things, do not impose them on other people. Insecurities are something we wear on our sleeves. Personally, I hate being taken advantage of. This affected my relationship with love and friendship. I held my friends and family to a high standard. I expected them to know better. But it took my last break up to learn that, I have no right holding others accountable for my SHIT. If I couldn't do the work, then I did not deserve these people and their love. My last break up left me with an amazing friendship, someone to hold me accountable, and a lot of work to do. I do not know if I have dealt with all the baggage but I definitely lead with empathy than entitlement in the way I relate with people in my life. I do not deserve anything from someone but I can definitely put in what I want to get out. If I want loyalty, I invest loyalty. If I want unconditional love, I expect to invest unconditional love. If I demand respect, I better warranty respect in return.

6. If you cant love with your whole heart, do not expect another person to do the same.

Ha ha. The topic that I hate to talk about but I know I have to. Love has been such an interesting journey for me in the last 25 years. I have experienced true unconditional love as well as selfish unhealthy love. I have also experienced heart-wrenching heartbreak. Greatest lesson learned from all of this, What you give out, is what you will get back.

With Love, all bets are off. Once you are in, its a game of risks. If you are vulnerable, you might be taken advantage of or you might allow your partner to bring his or her walls down too. If you are dishonest, you live room to break someone's heart or get your heartbroken. There are no guarantees. That's the scariest thing. But if you keep your expectations low and realistic, you are in for a beautiful relationship. I do not promise that it will be perfect, but I promise that it will be true.

PS - A breakup does not always mean you have to all stand in your corners ready to throw punches at all times. Sometimes a breakup is life's way of telling you that you only needed to be in each other's lives for a season and not a lifetime. Move on.

7. Principles and Virtues are essential in molding your truest being.

Be clear about what you believe and what you do not believe. Also, be clear about what you will and will not accept from anyone. Have a few qualities that you are known for. If you are prompt, be the person that is always 15 minutes early to everything. If you are a person of your word, be that person that will say something and come through.

8. Family; are the people you do not choose, but will love you no matter what.

Family is what it comes down to. SO make time for your family. They might not be the coolest people in the world. Or the people that tell you what you want to hear all the time. But they will always tell you the truth, pick you up from the floor when you fall, and support you to stand tall.

9. Failure is a rerouting signal. You should be grateful for its mere existence.

Failure is one of the best things that ever happened to me. It is my constant reminder to keep my feet on the ground. Often times if you do not face failure often enough, you might fall victim of the illusion that you are invincible. But that is such an egotistical way to live. No one should live thinking life is what they will it to be. We all need a reminder that with ups come downs. So we should learn to accept the failures in the same way we welcome the victories, with our arms wide open.

10. Travel as much as you can.

The more places you see, the greater the appreciation you have for what makes each and everyone of of us different.

11. Make friends that will grow your inner untapped potential.

They say, "tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are". I really struggled and still struggle with the concept of friendship. Over the years, I have been working on drawing a clear line between friends and acquaintances. But the truth of the matter is, it is quite painful to realize that I have a lot more acquaintances than friends.

However, the good news is, in my friends, I have found true sincere and authentic friendship. I couldn't ask for much more. People who I trust to stand up for me even if I am miles away but also would check me if they witnessed me stray away from the right path.

12. Live so that people are glad you were here.

My parents decided to write their individual autobiographies the year they each turned 60. Since this journey started, I have witnessed them take time to reflect on the choices they have made over the years, the people they have helped and the opportunities they took advantage of. But also I have witnessed them wish they had made some different choices.

The most important thing I have learned from them both is, if their time was over tomorrow, neither of them would regret the life they have led. What kind of life have you led? Are you proud of the life you have led? I am still working out my answer to this question.

My hope is that I get to a place where every choice I make is not just about myself and how I can gain, but it is because I am part of something bigger than myself. That I know, what I put out into the world, will surely return to me.

13. What you go to school for, is not necessarily what you will pursue as a career.

We are born with gifts. These are things we can do well quite easily. When we go to school, we pursue gain skill sets that hopefully we can use to practice those things we love and make a living. Do not confuse your skill set for your gift. Do not confuse your gift with what you love.

I use myself as an example. I am gifted at sharing knowledge with other people. If I woke up one morning and that was taken away from me, i would be devastated. I Love to educate specifically in design. The process of creating is something I believe every person should go through. The iterative process of design teaches you so many great lessons not only about yourself but about life in general. I have a skill set in architectural deign that i pursued in school. because of this skill set, I am able to stand in a classroom and have the authority to share my knowledge with the next generation. What do I do for a living, I am an educator that specializes in maker-space education specifically design thinking and project based learning. I took my gift, my skill set and what I love to do and made my dream career. Everyday that I wake up to go to work, I look forward to shaping another young mind.

14. Write your unique and individualized story.

You are not for everyone and everyone is not for you. The sooner you learn and accept this, the sooner you can start to live life on your own terms. There is so many people and books and websites telling you how to do all kinds of things. But as a lover of books and reading, I have learned that other people's experiences are there for you to learn from not to imitate. There is a major difference between learning and imitation. Just like there is a major difference between thee child that understand content versus one that memorizes content. So write your story your way. You know the coolest things about being you, is nobody else can take that away from you. Only you have the great privilege to be YOU. Isn't that amazing?!

15. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

This is about forgiveness. I used to be the person that was quick to write off a person if they did something wrong. I never waited for an explanation. I did not give them room to prove my assumption wrong. And the grudge I dragged around with me, weighed me down. The older I got, I realized that forgiveness frees your soul. So when people do something to hurt me, I ask and listen before I make my final judgment. And should they actually be in the wrong, I am quick to forgive and move on. Because it is not worth the stress to hold on.

16. When you say NO, mean NO!

Time is one of the most precious things in this day and age. There is time for everything. A time to party and a time to study. A time to pray and a time to hang out with family. A time to sleep and a time to work. So choose wisely when you need to spend time with others and when you need to spend time with yourself. Because sadly, time cant be made up. Once it is gone, that is it. Learn to say NO. You do not have to give your time and energy to something or someone if you do not want to. NO will find you a lot more joy in living than constantly saying yes.

17. Listen...

No need for elaboration. The word speaks for itself. LISTEN.

18. Empathy is the greatest act of kindness.

An empathetic heart soothes a broken soul. I did not know the difference between sympathy and empathy for so long. But what I know now, is sympathy usually ends with the words, "I'm sorry" "Its such a pity" and empathy starts with the words, "how are you really feeling?" and a person actually stops and listens to you share. Sometimes not responding but just giving the space for someone to share without interruption.

19. Just because you have the money, does not mean you have to spend it.

Finances are such a tricky topic. I love to travel. It will be my downfall financially. I would rather buy a ticket to Mexico than save that money. But I came up with a compromise. Travel Fund. I plan out all my vacations for the year. And calculate how much I will need for each trip. Then put away enough for a trip each month of the year. So for 2021 vacations, I start saving in 2020. This way, I do not have to spend the money that arrives in my account in the present-day because I already saved.

Online shopping is another addiction. Yes, I do have an amazon account, but I am allowed one major purchase a week unless it falls on my essential list.

Budget everything. I budget my weekly groceries, my bills, my take out, my eating out budget, my makeup budget, my travel, my just because budget. Budgeting is part of living an intentional life. If you are in the spirit of not allowing life to merely happen to you, then do not allow your money to be merely spent because it is sitting in your bank account. Justify your spending with a budget.

Skin Care products, I learned this in college. Not all skincare products need to be bought from your pocket. They can be prescribed and paid for by your health insurance so look into that.

Makeup products. I have one set that works for me and that is it. I do not need three foundations, 8 eye shadow palettes and 36 make up brushes. I only own what is essential to get me looking amazing on that one day I want to wear makeup.

Finally, splurge when you need to. Not because you want to. The greatest financial lesson my mother taught me is to know the difference between needs and wants.

20. Do not allow anyone to guilt-trip you because of the privileges life has dealt you.

Has anyone felt invalidated because they occupy a box that does not need to complain? Growing up, I went to the best schools. To this day, I have attended amazing schools all the way through. But it took one, "You can't complain. You have it all," to question if I was surrounding myself with the right people. Invalidation of other people's experiences is the reason why differences will always exist in society today. A rich man's child has problems and so does a poor man's child. A black child has problems and so does a white child. They may not be the same problems but that does not make them less of problems. So own the goodness you have been granted and use it to pave way for another to get to where you are. Use your privilege to seek justice for those that might not have their voices heard.

21. Laugh often and Smile brightly.

Laughter is your body's way of letting go of all that it finds stressful. Your smile is your way of ensuring you share your peace with the world.

22. Always be humble enough to say, "I'm sorry" and graceful enough to say, "Thank you."

The two words that keep me with my two feet on the ground are, "I'm Sorry" and "Thank You". As a millennial, social media and other influences have led us to believe that it is cool to not apologize or be grateful. If you work hard, you are deserving of everything in your life and you should not apologize for it. However, this entitlement mentality will be the downfall of our generation. Humility is the way to get to the top and stay there. So keep it close.

23. Identity is a complicated matter. But no one can define it for you other than yourself.

I identify as African. This makes it rather hard to fill out government forms. There is no box for African. But identity is not the box you check off on government forms. Identity is the way you navigate the society you live in today. My African roots, culture, and language have shaped the decisions I make as well as the people I interact with. So do the identity work because if you do not, the system will be more than happy to place you in a box.

24. God placed you on this earth for a specific purpose.

Work every day to discover what it is. And once you discover it, make sure to live your entire life working to fulfill it.

25. To those that much is given much is expected. So leave the world a lot better than you found it.

I have been so blessed with all of the opportunities I could have wished for and some that I didn't dream were possible. My hope and dream is to leave a mark because of those opportunities. If another person can achieve their dreams because of the work I have done, my purpose for living will have been fulfilled.

At the end of my birthday, I walked out of my house and sat at my doorstep. I watched people walk by my house for about 30 minutes. Some people waved to me, some just said hello. I took a deep breath, looked up to the heavens, and said, "It is well with my SOUL!" Because it truly is. God's Plan has led me to where I am today, an independent young career woman. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Cheers,

Patricia.

PS - Happy 25th Birthday to ME! Here is to making it to the half-century.